I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
