Soap is not a condiment
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
