Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
