I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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