she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
