I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
