You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
