Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
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Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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