my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
