Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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