Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
