I hate your face
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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