I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
