Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's blow job season.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
