What did we do last night that was yellow?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
