On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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