I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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