so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
