never play flip cup with pint glasses
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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