when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Will exercising make me less horny?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
