I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
