he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
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I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
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I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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