If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
