State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
