Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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