Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
