my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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