Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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