I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
