the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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