I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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