Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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