Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
