nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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