Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
