Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
