dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
