Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
