Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"