Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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