We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
two words...techno handjob
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm having to shit out rocks
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
