my soul wont recognize me after tonight
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
