Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
