i would punch a child for taco bell
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm passing your future prison.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
