Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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