I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
