Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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