mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
