drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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