so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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