You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
