Just cropdusted the office
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
