please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
