there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
