dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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