My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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