I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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