I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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